Misgivings

Dear Lord:
So many misgivings this heart possesses,
So many shameful attempts at staying away;
So many trajectories the unfaithful mind traverses-
But how long away from its Lord will it stay?

You are the Giver who bestows
The Lord who protects
The Ruler unto whom this slave is surrendered:
Please, oh please! Don't let my mind wander asunder!!

Who but You to anchor, the
Heart sailing in uncertain waters?
Who else is there whose support i can seek?
Save me from myself-this, of You, i beseech!!

Let there not be a time when am not lost in Your lovely eyes,
May Your smile send me into a dizzy high!
Let this slave always be Yours:
 Lost in thougths of the eternal charmer!!

Dear Dreams

Of silent evenings spent together,

Of beautiful nights in the company of my Lover;

Of days spent staring into Your Lotus Eyes,

i dream, at times with closed, and at times with open eyes!

Krishna, of Your hug's warmth and comfort,

Of the electricity, dearest Hari, that Your touch would elicit,

O Parthasarathy! Of the loving kisses You would imprint,

i dream, at times with closed, and at times with open eyes!

Of serving You sumptous food,

And fanning Your beautiful features as eat You would;

And the nectar of Your lips to partake in Your remains if i could:

Endlessly, infinitely; dream this slave would!!

i dream, Parthasarathy, of our hands intertwined,

But somewhere, in between, myself lost i find;

Dearest Lord, i dream of serving Your beautiful Lotus Feet

But, lost, i suffer miserably in between.

i have none but You

So, dearest Lover, save me anew.

Kill me if You wish with Your dazzling smile:

Own me in entirety with Your unparalleled might!

Inseperation

Oh dear Parthasarathy!!

My world may turn upside down,

My cheerfulness may find worry and frown,

The tide of problems may seem to drown-

All i beg are that Your beautiful feet be my crown!

Pressures multi-directional may tear my heart apart-

O Curly Haired Lover!! that You blissfully rule it is all i ask.

From You, even if my brain fleets away:

Dear Lord- mercifully rein me in and make me stay.

If ever this heart be flickery and fragile:

Always, dearest robber, may it to You reconcile.

Even if You find this slave unworthy:

O Dearest of Your devotees, shower upon me Your causeless mercy.

                                                  

Like moths to fire, bees to nectar;

Let me always run to You, O Dearest guiding star!

From You, dear Lord Parthasarathy, this slave may never be seperated!

In Your kind embrace, always keep me protected!!

Android Experiments

While i have been really busy with college, it has been tough to write here.

i think of coming here almost every time, but it seems a humongous effort.

But, that doesn't mean i am totally disconnected. Or so i hope.

Which is why i thought i would add to this blog a little of what i scribbled on my Android Phone using a drawing app.

And though this looks sheepishly juvenile, this is what i could manage on my little phone.

And as long as the Lord shall own me entirely, and for eternity, all that matters would be that my heart seeks His beautiful lotus feet.

The imperfections of my heart, and, in this particular case, my drawing skills, i hope and pray that He shall understand and forgive.

For after all, they belong to Him, and Him alone.

Krishna, O Krishna...

Wouldn't the moon seem like an insignificant star 

when i stare into Your face?

Wouldn't night itself run to the clouds for cover

when i bathe in the beauty of Your embrace?

Wouldn't you hasten to come, and

Relieve me of this thirst, that has my mind's occupation become?

How i miss You!

How i miss that time
When only for You i had time!
How i miss the cozy closeness
Which demolished all definitions of distance!

How i miss Your serene smile-
Where else will this heart that joy find?
Oh! How You let me pine
For, now miles away from You i am by Your design!

You stole my heart so wonderfully (O Krishna!)
Oh Lord who lifted the Govardhana hill so effortlessly-
Why then do You not rule it in entirety-and
Instead, let this slave wilt in anxiety?

O Lord of my heart! My Madhava, of You i beseech
That lessons of love You continue to teach!
Even if You find this heart ever slacking-
Please hold me tight in Your embrace binding!

Random

It is dusk (this winter)

When the sun 'stonished at my Lord's splendour

Hides himself in night's shelter.

Where are You?

Where are You, my sweet Lord?
Did i lose You somewhere in those beautiful dreams...
Or, somewhere else in life's complicated realms?
Did You hide Yourself when i got so used to Your intoxication...
And, along with You, steal my poor imagination?

Where are You, dear Lord?
Did You think i will be fine on my own?
Is that why You turned this heart to stone..
But, now that i do shamefully atone-
Would You accept if i said i want You alone??


Where are You, my Krishna?
You steer me through the path of life,
Every moment, i feel Your guidance by the side;
And yet, this heart is in great strife-
For it longs for its lover's sight!

Will You come back, my Lord?
Though this slave be undeserving,
Though, in service, i have been slacking,
Though i have committed  a disservice horrifying,
Would You take me back and fill this life with meaning?

This slave surrendered unto You,
Beseeches a chance anew-
All the errors and apologies in lieu,
Please accept a heart that pines for You!

Disjointed Chords

Krishna
When i cannot see my Lord's beautiful face,
Where do i for my empty heart find solace?
When away from the one who my insignificant heart also stole:
My heart that greives for my lover: how will i console?

I try singing a song:
But all i end up with are disjointed chords!
I try (in prayer) to fold my hands-
But find my tears wetting the sands!

Where are those blissful dreams?
Where are those moments with my Lord love-sealed?
i beg of You (O Madhava!) to take me back
For, at this moment, my life does all meaning lack!

Love, they say, appreciates closeness in miles-
But, in reverse, my woes do pile!
So close, yet so far apart drawn-
Here, alone, feeling like a lost fawn!

When my mind in circles like this does run-
Where are You, My dear Thief, hidden-having fun?
Come, let me drink the nectar of Your presence once again-
Please do not let my pleas go in vain!

Will Krishna Wipe my Tears?

Who but the gardener

To caress the flowers lest they wither?

Who but You, Parthasarathy, my Lord

Who but You have i got?

Who but the lover

To guide the heart that does falter

Whose help but Yours do i seek-

Even as tears run down my cheek?

What is the meaning of Your smile

If talking to the wind is all the respite i find?

What was the purpourt of Your beautiful glances-

When now, my mind, in this circus dances?

Whose shoulder do i lean on-

Whom do i have to trust?

When the Lord the world trusts

Seems to have abandoned me like a lone fawn!

When my mind thus laments in anxiety

Do u enjoy in invisible proximity?

Why is my heart like a mirror shattered?

O Krishna! Despite being by Your Lotus Feet sheltered??

O Lord Who became a charioteer

All to bring to a friend great cheer:

Will You not this slave steer

Away from seperation that she fears?

O Lord who lifted the Govardhan Hill,

Why do You my dreams kill?

If not for You, this heart will go still:

Come, with Your essence, this lowly life fill!!

O Great Speaker of the Bhagavad Gita!

When again will You tempt me with Your thrilling words?

When again will Your love leave me searching for words?

When again will You bestow Your association for which i long?

When again will You entertain this saddened heart with Your Love Song?

Test me not in testing waters,

Throw me not into waning litters!

Stay with me O Janardhana!

Keep me Yours forever O Krishna!

When You refuse to see this slave,

Why should she this lowly life save?

Leave me not of Your love bereft

Kill me with Your beautiful arms lest!

Whatever direction this life may take-

O Parthasarathy! This heart beats for Your sake!

Abandon not a surrendered slave:

Whatever be Your anger, forgo it for my sake!

Dear Narasimha,

Your eyes burn the sinners to flames:

A bond of love is ignited Your devotees heart by the same!

Your ferocious fingers digged into Hiranyakashipu's insides:

Yet, they, with love and compassion, Your devotees invite!

 You kill the enemy with Your anger!

But, for your devotees, unleash a smiling dagger!

In those who rule by fear, you ignite fear:

And yet, those who surrender at Your feet lose all fear!

You behold a face so ferocious:

But for the devotee: features so gorgeous!

You tore down a pillar to inspire in the feared fear:

And to the same handsome torso, hold a devotee near!

O Lord Who protected Prahlad's tongue:

To sing your praises too meak is this slave's tongue!

Yet, no other pleasure this girl has,

Than to sing the praises of the Lord with His hands on His lap!

Your fingers killed an evil demon so terrible

For a son whom You invited with the same fingers so lovable!

Will you please let me decorate (with mehendi) those nails so long?

Will You not bestow upon me that pleasure for which i long?

Your Holy Feet with long, curved nails at the helm:

Protect the person who takes refuge at them.

Will you please let me decorate (with mehendi)  those nails so long?

Will You please bestow upon me that pleasure for which i long?

-Dedicated to Azhagiya Singar of Thiruvallikeni

My Father-Daughter Song

What is "magic"?

The word is a trick in itself.

Is it an exhibition of the impossible by using little props?

Or, is it that which leaves your heart yearning for more?

Can it be defined by the little tricks the street magician performs to earn his bread?

Or, is it everything that is inexplicably wonderful?

Magic is, in my humble opinion, what we cannot explain.

It is what our five senses fail to comprehend.

And, it is only when our senses fail that we look deep inside our hearts.

Sorry for the long lecture. I am never good at them.

Anyways, since you were kind and patient enough to read my little philosophy, i am going to cut the intro short and jump to the matter.

Parents are atop the list of those whom we take for granted.

When we are kids, they spray baby cereal on their prized shirts to feed us.

When we are adoloscents, they listen patiently to all our tantrums.

i am not aware of what happens next, (as both my physical and mental capabilities are that of a barely-so-adult), but the most important thing is they dedicate their lives unto you.

So, how much ever you  fight with them, whatever be your differences, you are still bound by a invisible, intangible (magical?) bond.

My father always sings for me.

He has sung for me ever since God brought me to Earth, and he continues to do so.

And, in Radio Dad, the Listener's Choice from my side has been this Tamil song called "Kanne Kalaimaane" from the movie "Moondraam Pirai".

It is this beautiful melody, which always brings a yawn on my mouth.

How much ever i try, i can never disprove my dad that this song is my own magical sleeping pill.

i am snoring before the song is over!

It's a beautiful love song, the second stanza of which  i have roughly translated:

(Context of the actual song: the protagonist falls in love with a mentally retarded girl. He falls hook, line and sinker for her, and cannot help it himself.)

kannae kalaimaanae kanni mayilenak
kandaen unai naanae

In these lines, the protagonist praises his beloved. "Kanne" means eyes, but also it is a sweet form of calling one's beloved. "Kalaimaane" is a kind of deer and "Mayil: refers to a peacock.

andhip pagal unai naan paarkkiraen
I see you day and night
aandavanai idhaiththaan kaetkiraen
I ask of God nothing else!
raariraaroa oaraariroa
raariraaroa oaraariroa


(kannae)

------------

kaadhal kondaen
My heart began to love you
kanavinai valarththaen
It flourished incessantly in my dreams!
kanmani unai naan karuththinnil niraiththaen
O The Apple of My Eyes! i filled my thoughts with You!
unakkae uyiraanaen
My life is now yours!
ennaalum enai nee maravaadhae
Please, never ever forget me!
neeyillaamal edhu nimmadhi
Without you, there is no peace!
needhaanae en sannidhi
You are my sannidhi! (sannidhi refers to the holy sanctum sanctorum)

While most songs that i hear DO get dedicated to my Lord Krishna, this particular song never occured in that list.

It's always been my Dad's song.

But, today, as my dad sung for me in his soothing voice, the words in the second stanza dedicated themselves to His feet.

So, to conclude, what IS magical in this world is "LOVE".

How, we are bound to each other by that Universal Affection.

How, our relationship with Parthasarathy is also defined by that very word.

What is indeed magical is how the Ruler of the Universe sways to little expressions of Love!

One in a Thousand

O Krishna!

There may be lakhs of ants in all,

But very few do on Your beautiful creatures crawl.

There may be crores of flowers to Mother earth born:

But oh! only a few do Your handsome looks adorn!

There may be uncountable atoms of gold worn by men:

Only a select many are made into Your jewels even then!

There may be infinite lengths of thread woven:

But to tailor Your garments, only a few get chosen.

There may be many a hundred destination in Your Creation:

Each may have its flavours and each its own temptation

But dear Parthasarathy!

Allow me to find in Your Lotus Feet shelter with sheer dedication!

Keep me Yours!

When Your procession passes my threshold:
With awe Your majesty i behold!
And then, when me in Your beautiful smile You hold,
You have me frozen at that very threshold!

O Lion-Faced Lord! How great a gift:
That washing the streets on which You tread is a way to live!
How do i thank You for the kindness You bestow?
How do i describe the seed of longing You have sowed?

To be lost in Your glance every morning, Dear Parthasarathy,
To beget the smile at the corner of Your beautiful lips hiding;
To drink the nectar that touched Your feet:
Oh! Oh! Oh! What else is there to seek?

Oh Dear Lord! Forever keep me Your slave,
Forgive me when guilty and naive:
Dearest Lord of my Heart! i love You so-
Keep me Yours, i ask You no more!

Seas and Skies

O ParthaSarathy!

Miles away from Your familiar threshold,
I now a Golden Desert behold!
Riches richer than richness itself it may hold,
But o! My heart is caught in pain multifold!

For, i have not begotten Your beautiful smile,
The heat of seperation does my senses deride,
And when i think i am not by Your side,
My mind is amidst a painful ride.

But when sorrows cloud this heart,
When problems force to tear it apart;
When all hope seems to be lost-
Then, there is none but You- o Lord!

For then i looked up at the sky infinite,
And o! Your complexion drenched my sight!
O Cloud-Complexioned Krishna! Hiding amidst those clouds-
You were sending down raindrops so loud!

His Flowers

Yesterday, the sun shone scarlet in the sky,
So beautiful just on the threshold of the coming night;
The sun had lit up the sky in a devotional gesture:
As my Lord ParthaSarathy glided in grandeur!

His eyes shone like two little suns
Their rays breaking where those scars run;
His smile drenched His face with serenity:
Driving me into new levels of insanity.

As He smiled His killer smile,
He tore all my petty inhibitions asunder;
And left me gazing in wonder-
That sweet-smiling trickster, the One to whom i am surrendered!

And as in my hair flowers i donned,
The ones that His feet had adorned:
O! O! O! My heart went into a flutter-
Beating hard and fast for that Sweet Charmer!

Why?

Lost in this eerie wilderness,
Caught in the worst of mind's duress;
Oh! i am lost in this horrid place my lover-less,
Why don't you come to relieve my stress?

Why will You not talk?
(O My Honey-lipped Lord!)
Why have You turned Your face away
O Dearest! Don't my tears Your heart sway?

Do You think i can manage alone?
Do You think i'll believe You are stone?
Or, are You exasperated by my monotone-
And left me for my sins to atone?

Oh! Even if i must atone, (O Lion-Faced Lord)
How will i possibly survive alone?
i love You, i am surrendered unto You
Never, ever bid me adieu!

If i have been frivolous, forgive me,
If mistakes are mine, have mercy on me;
This heart cannot beat in Your absence-
O! O! Never may i be anywhere but Your presence.

You took away our symbol of love,
And, left me completely bereft now;
All my mind churns out is tears
Calling desperately, that dear PSP! You be near!

Dancing to ParthaSarathy's Tunes

My mind dances to His tunes-
That dark-complexioned boy who enamours with His divine tunes;
My mind dances to His tunes-
The Lord of Triplicane, the Lors of my Heart!

My eyes danced in excitement-
When they sighted His beautiful face resplendent!
My mind danced in childish fervour-
When it at His feet found shelter!

My heart now sings a song of grief,
For He has of it's dreams taken leave!
And now, when He is said to look so wonderful,
This heartaway, and in confusion palpable!

i dance to the tunes of my Lord,
Whose hands of my mind's ratha holds the cord:
O Lord in Control! Steer this rusty chariot to victory:
And in victory also, may it find Thee!

With all earthly forces undone,
i am prostrated at the Feet of my Lord who has me stunned;
This poor slave, do not shun:
i am in a race: along with me run!

The nectar of Your sight, today i missed!
But i am caught in deep waters betwixt-
Save me dear Lord! from falling into an abyss-
At Your service, and in Your love, may i forever find bliss!

i Miss You

i miss Your eyes like bright suns wide,
i miss how those killer glances draw me inside!
i miss the beauty of that black gem,
Lying in the middle of a white realm!

i miss that cute, manly moustache,
Which by its handsome shape, me into daydreams dispatch!
i miss that never-ending smile, seemingly moustache crowned,
Like the gopuram over the sanctum sanctorum!

i miss Your warm caress,
i miss yearning to see Your curly tresses,
When again lost i will be in Your lovely embrace?
When again will this heart in Your presence find solace?

Mistakes have been mine,
But, apologies, O Achyuta! do not deny:
In Your absence, this heart is a wetland dry,
It will regain life only when You in it recline!

Count not errors far too many,
Measure not my attempts not aplenty,
Take me as Your loving slave!
Forgive me the faults naive.

Your one smile, awaiting,
For Your one word, waiting
For the kiss of love yearning,
In anxiety, my world upside-down turning!
Come now, Parthasarathy!

ParthaSarathy Perumal

Dearest ParthaSarathy,
At Your feet beautiful,
My heart is a flower little;
O Ruler of the World! My Lord Wonderful!
O Dark-skinned lover! May i forever at that height settle!

An Ordinary Offering to the Most Extraordinary

O Lord!
Words are wonders when they praise You,
Tunes are tempting when they sing You,
Thoughts are beautiful when they talk of You,
My mind is maddened-thinking of You!

The bamboo was just mere wood,
Before You blowing a sweet tune invitingly stood;
The peacock feather might have been just another-
Had it not been shed lovingly for its Master!

The rock was too ordinary,
Since Your feet it touched, it's now exemplary;
The plate of food might not have been so divinely sumptous,
Had You not tasted it and found it delecious!

O Lord! Cast upon this slave one glance,
She will the glory of Your presence perchance!
Grant me but one loving smile;
And, once again, my lovelorn senses deride!